So, I’m crazy. For real. I have a DIAGNOSIS. I have clinical depression and anxiety disorder. For those that are unsure of what that really means consider yourself lucky. Imagine if you will experiencing the following scenarios:
1. You barely remember the last three years of your life.
2. You wake up in the middle of the night and you don’t know who you are.
3. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself.
4. The thought of the Universe and infinity drives you to feel hollow and absolutely terrified.
5. You wake up and are afraid of what the day will bring.
6. You cut your arms with a razor because it stops the thoughts from overtaking your mind.
7. You forget where you live.
8. Your back aches continually and all you want to eat are triscuits.
9. A marathon of Breaking Bad is the only thing keeping you somewhat coherent.
10. Nothing makes sense anymore.
These are a few of the hundreds of examples of what depression and anxiety are like for me. I understand it is a chemical imbalance, but for those that suffer…. it is complete hell. It sucks. It isn’t fair. I really just want to be normal.
So tonight, in my crusade to do something about it, I went to a Mental Health Peer Support Group. There were 21 of us in the small, poorly lit room at a hospital in Roncesvalles. The last time I went to a hospital, my mom died so this was a hard place for me to enter. But I did.
It was a lively bunch of folks that greeted me at the door. I was scared, and a little taken aback. Young and old, short and tall, these folks were a bunch of strangers that may save my life one day, or at least give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Because what we say in this group is confidential, there is not much I can disclose, but that is not the moral of this post. The moral is this. I have a glimmer of hope that someday I will be ok. I have a will to continue. I made it to the Mental Health Support Group. I may have no idea what I am doing half of the time as of late, and am still coming to terms that I have returned to Toronto after a long stay in Vancouver, but regardless I did something proactive.
And with this, the one thing that I got out of the meeting is this… wait for it… I am better with a schedule. Chaos and nothingness freak me out. I need a purpose… always. So as of now, my one thing that I will commit to is writing in this blog. Every day. I have to..
Please join me on my journey….