Blackout, Bowdlerization, Bullshit

bowdlerization

 

Today is fucking frustrating.

This whole week has been frustrating, upsetting, triggering, disheartening, and fucking terrible for women in North American. I refuse to talk about the fucking shit this week that has proven that women’s voices mean nothing, but I will talk about me being able to do my best to claim some sense of dignity and power in a world that has stripped me bare.

In fear of feeling ostracized by folks, I will not post the cartoon that caused the reaction that questioned my self-worth. Out of fear of being told that I am a contributor to someone whom I admire and look up to being ‘trigged af’, I will not post the cartoon.  In order not to be shamed and called out publicly, I will not post the cartoon that in one small brief moment, made me feel like I had a voice.

I won’t even post this on Facebook in fear of offending that one person that hurt my heart and my pride and my dignity.

I have been silenced in fear of not being considered a good person, a decent feminist, an ally to those that have been sexually assaulted.

The cartoon in question is from Bruce MacKinnon of the Chronicle Herald printed on September 29th. What was shown was a woman with blond hair, much like Dr. Christine Ford, held down by a man in a suit with Republican logos on his sleeves. She is blindfolded and her mouth is covered by his hand, while the scales of justice are strewn behind her, victim to the disintegration of justice she has experienced.

She, Dr. Ford, and all women who have been silenced in the face of assault were that woman in the cartoon.

Never before, have I EVER felt so akin to a depiction of anything as I have with this cartoon. I have never been sexually assaulted, but I have been very close. I have never called out these men that were ‘so close’ in my assault because I never thought it was anything. I say I have never been assaulted, but I really have – I just thought that it was something that happened when you were young and drunk.

So I made this post my Facebook cover photo.

And I was promptly told that it was triggering as fuck by someone who I hold in the highest regard.

And than I felt bad and took it down.

But I am still mad.

Furious.

Hurt.

I am feeling censored, silenced, bowdlerized.

It was my wall, my thoughts, my fears and my power. I apologized to her and said that it wasn’t my intention to trigger her.

She told me my intention was irrelevant.

I felt like a terrible fraud.

But I am not.

This whole week I have felt like I have been attacked over and over again by every white man in power, by my own father that claimed this all to be a witch hunt. So I claimed my power by posting something that was everything true in my eyes.

Shot down.

Silenced.

Fucking bullshit.

Now we are attacking each other.

I feel defeated.

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Blackout, Bowdlerization, Bullshit