What are you waiting for??

In a world shadowed by doubt, fear, and disappointment.. it’s hard to think and feel like you deserve … well anything remotely good.

When your whole life feels like some cruel joke filled with immense highs and tremendous lows… you feel such guilt at even thinking that everything is going to be ok.

Yet, all you have ever wanted … was just to be happy.

And you continue fighting for it, even though you think you may just collapse into a sea of tears and heartache.

And you wonder why you just haven’t said ‘fuck it’ and went for everything because you really have nothing to lose.

And when you realize that you are almost there.. ready, ready, ready…

But that bitch of a thing called failure keeps popping its fucking head in to the picture.

And you are so afraid

Because your remember what it was like

What happened

That shame …. devastating.

But you continue fighting…

You are worth it.

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What are you waiting for??

Van.Cou.Ver

 

vancouverisland_oldgrowth_forest

 

Vancouver – or home

It may be the trees and their smell after the rain, or the ocean and its salty power that cleanses my soul. Perhaps it is the fact that is the holding place of my family and the resting place of my mom, my grandma, my granny, my cats, and so on.. It could also be the fact that it is the solid foundation of my feminist awakening, or the rocky foundation of my questionable youth. It’s probably because the trees hold the secrets of my first kiss with a boy, while the city lights witnessed my first kiss with a girl. I am thinking it is most likely the river that runs from the mountains to my first house, that carried with it my dreams of adventure to far off lands. Maybe, just maybe it is not just one thing. Perhaps, and most likely, it is all that is my home.

Van.Cou.Ver

Victory

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Victory

 

Thank you, thank you, merci, merci mes amis

Sunny ways, positive politics can do

Hopeful

Canadians, Canadians from across Canada

Can make things happen

Change

Thank you, merci, Gerald and Katie

Tough and hardworking and a shared vision

Winning

Tonight, my good friends, it was proven

Public life isn’t a naïve dream

Vision

Volunteers, hearts, thank you

Even to those across the aisle

Mr. Harper, Mr. Mulcair

Faith, in yourselves, in your country

Minds and hard work

History

You did, you put me here

Creating jobs and devotion

Middle Class

Country Strong, differences, because of them

I understand openness and transparency

Better

St. Catharines, Ontario, young mom

Muslim, making her own choices

Diversity

A Canadian is a Canadian is a Canadian

We beat fear with hope

Merci, Merci, Merci

Victory

The tiny spark of inspiration: Thanks JB! (AKA Mom)

writing

I am not able to write. I am in a funk. I am taking a copy editing course; enough said.

When I take courses that are technical in nature I lose my sense of inspiration. I hate technicalities, rules, and table manners. I hate constructed morals based on a prehistoric manual of morality. Copy editing makes me crazy.

So, rather than writing I have been reading, and watching Law and Order: SVU on Netflix.

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Today, I am reading We Were Liars, by E. Lockhart. I have probably mentioned that I run a Teen Book Club at work, and this is their latest choice. IT is a good choice. It deals with the intricacies and external facades families maintain to save face. It talks of priviledge and ignorance and aging. It is a white person drama, full of in-our-face fallacies of white-person life.

For some reason (for many reasons) this book made me think of my family. It than got me thinking of my mom. It got me thinking that I really miss her. It got me thinking that I want to write about it.

So here I am, writing about my mom – but not really. Thinking about her made me want to write, but she isn’t my topic today. She is my inspiration. She would want to know what I was doing while not writing. She would say about my copy editing class “you always hated being fussy.” I feel my topic today is just a conversation I would have with her.

I can hear her listening…

The tiny spark of inspiration: Thanks JB! (AKA Mom)