When I don’t know what to say… i say it with dots. When I don’t know what to say, I write it here. When I don’t what to say, I write. I want to be heard, I just don’t know how to say it with my shaky and uncertain voice.
I have been perusing through my posts lately, trying to figure out where and what I am trying to say. There is a direction there.. and it is so glaringly clear.
The thing is.. I have never felt so vulnerable as I do now. Never.
And I want to be heard. I want to do everything… I want more.. so much more than I have ever allowed myself to do.
This past month has challenged me in so many ways. So many perfect, and scary, and amazing ways. It has taught me patience and a will to fight for what I believe in.. wholeheartedly, without my somewhat selfish and terrified soul in consideration. My fear and extreme self doubt has taken second place. And this has never happened before. And it is good. It is what I have been fighting for my whole life. A belief in something greater than me.
These recent chaotic, brilliant moments have allowed me to practice my authenticity. To declare loudly that I am vulnerable and strong and worthy of love. That I am not afraid to say with the written word that I am ok.. I am better than I ever was because I am not afraid to fail.. or to try. That I have had moments that have made me melt in so many delicious ways.. and I am not afraid to talk about it or feel like I am not deserving of it.
So with this, I am going to continue to just go… go forward and hope and fight for all things deserving. I will continue to take the needs of others close to my heart and welcome them, because we are all the same really… just looking for love and acceptance and meaning in this world. I will practice patience and above all else respect for those that I simply adore.
And, above all else.. I will write.. unashamed, unafraid.
All of this pent up rage.. desire
Fucking raw energy
That has been building up forever
You want to just
Be everything you are
Kind as fuck
Full of love
KICKASS FUCKING FEMINIST
…. and so fucking queer
And because of that one moment
that has allowed you to just be…
In a world shadowed by doubt, fear, and disappointment.. it’s hard to think and feel like you deserve … well anything remotely good.
When your whole life feels like some cruel joke filled with immense highs and tremendous lows… you feel such guilt at even thinking that everything is going to be ok.
Yet, all you have ever wanted … was just to be happy.
And you continue fighting for it, even though you think you may just collapse into a sea of tears and heartache.
And you wonder why you just haven’t said ‘fuck it’ and went for everything because you really have nothing to lose.
And when you realize that you are almost there.. ready, ready, ready…
But that bitch of a thing called failure keeps popping its fucking head in to the picture.
And you are so afraid
Because your remember what it was like
That shame …. devastating.
But you continue fighting…
You are worth it.
What if it happens again?
I can’t handle it.
What if I don’t try?
I will hate myself forever.
What if there is someone better?
There always is.
What if I can’t do it?
Than I remain solo, and missing something, so much.
What if my heart just stops feeling?
Than it’s over.
Vancouver – or home
It may be the trees and their smell after the rain, or the ocean and its salty power that cleanses my soul. Perhaps it is the fact that is the holding place of my family and the resting place of my mom, my grandma, my granny, my cats, and so on.. It could also be the fact that it is the solid foundation of my feminist awakening, or the rocky foundation of my questionable youth. It’s probably because the trees hold the secrets of my first kiss with a boy, while the city lights witnessed my first kiss with a girl. I am thinking it is most likely the river that runs from the mountains to my first house, that carried with it my dreams of adventure to far off lands. Maybe, just maybe it is not just one thing. Perhaps, and most likely, it is all that is my home.
L: Beneficially watery
R: Fabulously crushing
D: Athletically ill-fated
A: Deficient fake
S: Uncomfortably weak